To every watcher who reads journals before deviations, I must say this:

I am so, so, SO sorry for the newest deviation. I can claim it as a vent, but that wasn't me who was typing, it was 'her.'

If anyone has seen me vent before, then you know that either I tell you calmly (while I'm crying on the opposite side of the screen) or I don't tell you and refuse to tell you unless I make an exception. But this time, 'she' vented for me, which wasn't really nice. I am so sorry 'she' called you a mofo, I'm sorry for retard, idiot, noob, and anything else 'she' said to you.

Because 'she' is me.

I consider myself to have an opposite,who is that one bitch who will make your lives miserable. Even if I hate you, I wouldn't express it to THAT point.

Okay, so now you are thinking, "That's illogical! There is no way you can do that without Multiple Personality Disorder!" You're right, I don't have MPD, but someone close to me has made it extremely clearer for those who want a more logic reason.

Lately, I've been getting drunk without drinking, so no, not the alcohol kind of drunk. I've been getting drunk on anger and on sadness, and it could be referenced as drunk with anger is because I can go so far I seem like I practically turned into someone else. And by the time I'm 'sober with calmness,' I forget what I type all together. In other words; Anger Manifestation.

So now you're wondering why I got so upset, 'she'/my manifestation was sucked into dA. So here it is;

In health we were talking about self-esteem, why low self-esteem people have it, and we measured out self-esteem in class. No surprise to me, I was marked in the 15-26 or "Low Self-Esteem" column. What set me off was the fact that one of the statements we had to check ourselves off was "I'm a good friend." I put a 1 next to it because I dipped down into survivor's guilt, which is when someone passes and you take responsibility for it. Seth and Rose (i.e. Two people many lost due to bullying/suicide) flowed into my head immediately. I started saying to myself "How can I be a good friend if my absence killed them?" And lo and behold, 'she' appeared/I'm drunk in anger because I started saying it's all my fault.

Please, don't take that deviation so seriously, like I said, 'she' was around/I was drunk with anger.

Hey, if you see this, then I'm glad you are still reading it. Thanks so much as I cleared this up.

-Natalie.